Samhain 2013

So, it didn't quite go as I wanted but what does.
I lit a candle, opened a circle and did it my way. LOL

I said a blessing that I found online, it was lovely.
I thanked my ancestors and especially my great aunt whom I was close to and my grandpa.
Mostly talked to Dan and cried.

Made some "New year plans" but kept them general. Like letting fear out, bringing peace in. Letting doubt go, letting confidence in. That kind of thing.

But as I said...most of my half hour was spent talking to Dan. Asked him to hang around and to keep an eye on me but especially the boys....That's when the candle flame went into a brilliant white light that was twice as bright. So, I knew he was around.
I even told him that if I was meant to love again that he help us connect. That he pick him out(so to speak). Someone that would be good for me at this point in life and who would help me raise the boys to be men HE would be proud of.
Told him it was ok if it never happened too cuz I was back to wanting companionship, not needing it.
That I was doing alright so far. Talked about human imperfections, specifically those of parents but that the best trait of a good parent was not giving up despite our messing up.
Said I knew he was helping me raise them still and that perhaps this was how he could do that better. Odd thought I know.
Felt I was being watched, kept looking to the side...at the door.

I might add, and I said this aloud, the candle flame resembled a candy corn.

I cried pretty much the whole conversation but it felt peaceful, good to have that talk.
The missing my crazy chicken part and the moving on part. All of it.

I know Dan was here because after the kids and I finished trick or treating(slightly rough event cuz of Connor and Dan was on my mind), I got us in the car and started the engine.
As soon as I pulled away from the curb the song "Lady" by Styx came on. Dan kinda felt that song fit his feelings about me. I needed to hear that just then.

Music seems to be our thing cuz it's always a song we loved coming on the radio at just the right time LOL.

Any who, now I'm soaking in the peaceful feelings while typing this and watching Golden Girls.

Be blessed on this Samhain night.

Another Week...

October is almost over. I can't believe this year is almost in the record books.
My mom told me after high school time flies by and she was sooooo right.

Connors school finally set up an appointment with me to go over his "data". That will be on Halloween.
The day before I get to have the intake meeting with the new counselors. Hopefully I can get Connor in shortly after that.

Next week is also Samhain which I'm totally excited to celebrate. It'll mostly be about honoring Dan this year but I'll be adding a blessing and thanks to all my ancestors too. They won't be left out.

I think that covers main events through today.

Six Months...

Tomorrow marks 6 months since you left us.
In some ways it seems only yesterday I told you to go, told you we'd be ok, told you I loved you always my crazy chicken.
In other ways it seems like it's been forever.

The ache remains. I don't ever stop thinking of you but it doesn't paralyze me either. Life goes on, the bills get paid and groceries gotten but it doesn't mean you aren't here with me.

Sometimes it's dream-like, this thought of you. Like, did you really exist? Did this all happen? Did I ever know someone named Dan(although that's technically not your given name now is it lol).

Connor is so your mini-me. Even his smile is like yours after chemo took your teeth that is.

We ARE ok Dan. We miss you, we love you always but onward we go. A piece of you goes on our adventures with us....enjoy! :)

To the moon and back my Crazy Chicken....
Love your Goosey.

Tugs

I need it known that I'm ok. Overall, I'm ok with stuff.
However, I have tugs and I need people to understand that and accept it. Im not gonna hit a magic month and suddenly be fine.
Im not going to stop talking about Dan just cuz he's gone. He's still someone who lived and loved and experienced life. His stories and such can be relatable and they will be shared.
I am ok, will be ok, so will the boys but we'll always mourn a bit but don't worry it's not an overwhelming feeling because I know we'll meet again and I know he's at peace.

But, I have these pesky tugs that I'll talk about sometimes.
Like I have tugs of sadness...So I may cry for a moment.
I have tugs of talking about my feelings because it helps and you never know who might hear something and know they aren't alone out there.
I have tugs of anger that he left. Even though I realize it wasn't his preference to go.
I have tugs of laughter at memories.

Mostly though I have smiles when I remember/think of him because he was my Love and we created an awesome albeit imperfect world.

My Boogaloo

That would be Connor. His nickname has been Boogaloo since he was moving in my belly.
Where the name came from I don't know, just popped outta my mouth one day.

He was such an easy going baby. Hardly fussed, sweet disposition but did seem to have a knack for throwing his head back and cracking me in the cheek bone, sending sheering pain through my face.

He loved fans from the time he was 5/6 months old, stare at them for hours if left to do so. It's one of those things you find different but tuck away in the back of your head cuz you aren't sure it's just new mommy nerves.

When he was about 17/18 months he started biting me. He wouldn't stop it was an obsession for him. He'd literally shake and chomp his teeth til he got me....if he couldn't he'd bite through blinds. Redirection didn't work, pop on mouth didn't work, time out didn't work, nothing stopped his need. He started tricking me....he'd put his arms out for a hug/love and when I picked him up, he'd bite me and jump down and go play.
He did this til he was just about 3 years old. I, unconsciously, built a wall against taking "loves" from him cuz it always brought pain and bruises with it.

Things progressed and by that point I'd been looking up answers to his odd behavior. Autism, ADHD, ODD were all on my list.
When he was about 5 I wanted him tested, dr gave me the referral. Then job changes, a move, and no insurance led to it not happening.

So, life went on but testing was impossible cuz of no insurance but I did what I could and then Dan got sick and all other things went to the backburner.

Connors got serious anger issues that have been there but got worse after Dan's death. He's been in counseling since March 2012, and meds. Nothings helped so far.

But after a week stay in the pediatric psych clinic we got the testing I'd desperately wanted for so long. And of course, he's as funny with his diagnosis as my family seems to go in cases like that....never a straight answer lol.

Officially he is PDD-NOS, Mood Disorder NOS, and Learning Disorder NOS. School is pussyfooting around getting him the recommended help. We were going to start a new therapy but I got a letter saying insurance is screwed and the kids are done at months end. However, there is a chance they'll get on Medicaid come October but until I have the cards...I hold my breathe.

I still have the emotional wall up and I want it gone but I can't do it without help.
My relationship with Connor is hard...always yelling, him threatening death or pain. No sleeping well. Add in our pain of losing Dan and we are a mess.
I love that fella a ton, he's my firstborn. I don't wanna give up on him but if we can't get help...I don't know what's gonna happen. Im tired of fights over EVERYTHING! I'm tired of yelling and him hurting us all physically. Just tired....gad I hope this works out soon.

So that's some of the Connor story.

Oddball Widow

Its been a bit over two months since Dan died. I miss him, I really do. I miss his smile and rubbing his arms and tracing his tattoos and I miss brushing his cheekbone/temple area. I miss his strong hugs.

I even miss his annoying habits like always being right. Although not as much as the other stuff LOL.

The first 3 weeks I was in a shock funk. I felt like my eyes were planted open as wide as possible at all times and just foggy head going on. I cried at times but not as often as you might think. Definately not as much as other widows Ive chatted with seem to.
In the first month I sold most of his music equipment(except the childs guitar in case one of the boys ever wants to learn how), I pawned tools and other stuff just lying around never to be used again. I was so freaked over what would happen with our finances I couldnt just wait around, I had to make sure we had enough to at least pay rent and car until I knew otherwise. And with the help of my good friend Teresita I was able to get around and do what was needed with support and got the money I needed to do what I felt was the least needed.

I donated a buttload of stuff and I sold his car. Now I admit I dont miss it and wasnt too sad to see it go, in fact I couldnt wait to be able to sell it but the day it left I was waiting for Dans spirit to thump me on the head LOL. Like I said though, I needed to make sure I had money in case we didnt get things straightened out quickly with social security.

In the remaining time of the two months Ive hung out with good friends and the boys(well Connor and Avery) finished school for the year and I registered Devinn for his Kindergarten in the fall. I cant believe all of them will be school boys come August. Time has sure flown. But I think all parents can say that.
I do have issues with sleeping. I cant go to bed til my eyes are burning cuz I just cannot sleep so thats an issue I have that I need to deal with cuz it doesnt do me any good to be living on little and troubled sleep.

I also found a couple of widow groups to join. One I already gave up on, all they did was bitch and moan and had pity parties. I didnt fit in, I wasnt a widow that kept his things as is for several months or years after he passed. I didnt still wear my ring cuz it didnt seem right to wear it without its partner wearing his. I got angry at all the pity being passed around. Yes, we all lost a love and have a new normal to get used to but we arent the only ones and our loved ones wouldnt want to see us acting that way. We are here to be strong for ourselves and any children we may have. We are still on this journey whether we like it or not. Their lessons were learned and they passed to a better state of being, a stronger one than they may have had being human.
My journey continues and as much as it hurts and takes time and as much as I have my moments of feeling sorry for myself I dont want pity. I dont want everyone feeling sorry for me and boohooing for me and my boys' loss.
We are strong, we are ok, Dan was part of what made us that way and he is still running through the veins of my boys. We are and will be ok. Not saying its easy or we wont have those moments but, in the end, we will be ok.

Hence why I call myself an oddball widow. In the 3 groups Ive been a part of Ive only seen like 3 others who seem to feel similar to me and they've been widowed longer than myself.

The love of friends and family and their support over the 3 years Dan was sick and when he died...they've strengthened us and Im forever grateful for that and hope to pay that forward and teach the boys to as well.

Love is strength, joy is strength, even sadness is strength.

I can admit to depression. Ive got some hence why I could care less about the house or its state(it gets its basics tended to), why I tossed out several pots/pans and all my glasses, dishes, and bowls, most of the silverware too and opted for paper. I dont wanna do dishes, I cant be bothered with cooking or dishes right now. Its too much for me to care about.
My strength is put towards keeping the boys good and myself good. In doing something for ourselves that is fun and uplifting and together. Putting my family back into a place of unity. Getting us out and about because for 3 years we were basically housebound.

Earlier this week I got memory boxes done for the boys. They picked a box from Michaels and I painted and decorated them.
Each of them has a picture of Dan, a ring of either mine or Dans(or both in Devinns case), a tie of Dans, a beeny baby from his collection(that seems to have shrunk since having kids cuz I couldnt find most of them LOL), and a memorial DVD that the mortuary did with pictures of Dan set to songs he loved.
Then I did individual items....

Connor~Dans pocketwatch from the boys(Fathers Day last year), my wedding band(my first one). He also got the only plane model Dan finished(mostly, main paint and stickers missing), as well as another beeny baby.

Avery~the rose from the night Dan died that the mortuary left in his place on my bed, Dans Handfasting band with "hearts as one" inscribed on the inside(where my matching one is I dont know), and a Blue Oyster Cult Greatest Hits CD because he and Dan loved their music.

Devinn~Handfasting cord, the first one I made. He also got our last set of wedding bands(the one we wore for the last couple years). I wanted him to have those because his memories of Dan will be small and I wanted him to have items to remember the love and bond his daddy and I shared. Plus he keeps telling everyone Dan died "10 weeks ago and he and mommy got married too" LOL.

OH and I added a stone into each of their boxes from my collection. I believe one got a blue agate and the other two got sunstones(yes I suck at remembering what they are).

Those boxes will serve them in times they are missing their daddy and just want to feel a piece of him. Add to that the stuffed animals they got from Build a Bear that I put some of Dans ashes into and the blankets from his clothes Im gonna have done shortly...they are set with tangible reminders of their daddy.

Now I think I got you all caught up, although Ill save the story of Connors behavior and Dev's arm for another day. :)

To conclude this blog post...here is a picture of the boys with their memorial stuffed animals.

His Ending...

March 2013...Dan becomes jaundice. He didnt notice it but I did and then my friend Stacey did. That was like the second week of the month.

That same time period Palliative turned him over to Hospice care. Mostly because there wasnt more that they could do for him pain management wise nor did they want him driving to Salt Lake in his weakened state. They wanted me to drive him but with 2 kids in school it was impossible to take them out all the time for his appointments.

So Hospice it was. Access Home Care and Hospice to be exact. Kristy was the first lady we met. She came by and did the initial questions and such. She was the director of Hospice care. She was an RN. She loved her job but was ALWAYS in meetings. I had to call a few times that first couple of weeks and hated that she had to call me back after she was home. Always felt bad disturbing her off time and disliked that she always sounded irritated.

Next up was Cami, think that was her name, she was the social worker. We met her a few times before she went on maternity leave and Jenn took over. Both sweet ladies who did what they could.

Met Shadd, he was Dans nurse. Nice man, actually gave a damn about how I was doing too and really meant it. Most people would ask me as a second thought so it was nice to not be so. He took care of Dan pretty darn good and put up with his stubbornness and all that jazz. Didnt mind my questions via texts or anything...never sounded irritated, just helpful.

Met the chaplain, forget his name, just once. Never heard from him again and I wouldnt be a bit surprised if it was because we said we were Pagan and he hadnt a clue what to do about that as he knew nothing about it.

Angel was the aid who came to help bathe Dan. She was sweet and strong...I had such a hard time getting him to sit up and take his meds those last couple of weeks and she didnt seem to strain at all! LOL Bless her...

Towards the end of March Avery was hugging Dan and asked him about his yellow eyes. That did it! Dan wigged and had me call Shadd and had me using a flashlight to check his eyes every few hours to see if they went more yellow or got better. Tried drinking more water and gatorade and such...didnt do any good. He got yellower and then orange.

He made it to March 31st, the day after Connors 9th birthday. Thats when he altered, mentally I mean. It was small stuff at first like he added parts to movies and such...no big deal.

However, by Tuesday he was really out of it. Waking Connor up to talk about sugar amounts in tea and a "morning fizz". Making sure I had the recipe for one. Asking me to open and shut windows that didnt exist or checking for people that I had never heard of before. Having me cut holes in one of the boys' socks so those little bits could go in some Russian capsule. Wanting me to print out a picture of cosmonauts for it too.

Just very odd stuff. Stopped taking his meds on time, not eating and barely taking sips of soda to take meds when I could get him to.

By Friday April 5th I had to use my friends baby side rail to keep him from falling out of bed and hurting himself really bad. He'd done it like 3 times so this was a step to protect him.
Saturday night I had to sleep on the couch cuz he was taking up most of the bed and talking so I couldnt sleep decent.

Mind you he wasnt getting out of bed at all except to potty by Wednesday night. Sunday he was really bad and I had to get an aid there to help me change his clothes cuz he couldnt use the toilet anymore and had had an accident and I couldnt move him myself. Then that afternoon he just HAD to get out of bed and sit on the couch so I tried to help him but he fell back against the wall and Connor had to run and get our neighbor to help me get him back up and into bed. That night he started making odd noises just groan type sounds but loud. Was spooky.

Monday he wasnt responding, the aid came to bathe him and called Shadd to let him know that things had really progressed downhill fast and he needed to come asap. Dans eyes were barely open enough to see the pupils and the moans had been going pretty much non-stop since the day before.

She bathed him and got him cleaned and fresh and I waited for Shadd to come...grateful Connor was off to school and the other two were occupied with Ben 10 on the tv followed by Tom and Jerry and Looney Tunes. Cartoons their daddy loved and got them into.

Around 1030-11am(ish) Shadd got there. Took one look at Dan and said it wouldnt be long...maybe today or tomorrow but he'd know more once he got his vitals done.

His vitals...bp was 66/36 and his pulse and oxygen were both at 65. Shadd said...a few hours was all that was left to the life of my Love. Told me to keep an eye on him and when he stopped breathing call him and he'd come.

So I kept a vigil over my husband that day. Checking on him every 10-15 minutes. Talked to him each time telling him I loved him and it was ok to go be with his mom and out of pain. Had the younger two come in and tell him the same and promise they'd be good boys for him. I swear he knew what we were doing and was complaining LOL.

Shadd had told me to sit and spend time with him but I had said most of what I wanted to throughout the day. However, when Devinn went to nap at noon I took some time to go in and lay next to him...knowing it would probably be the last time I ever did that. I rubbed his arm and touched his face as I had for 10 years and I thanked him. I thanked him for 10 wonderful years and 3 handsome sons. I thanked him for loving me and being a good man and a good daddy. I told him it was time to be with his mom and we would never stop loving him and we would know he was watching over us from a different perspective now. He groaned, I knew he was not thrilled I was talking that way and when I mentioned his mom he said "she's here". It was the first real thing he had said that was understandable in 2 days.

When Connor came home from school, I had him drop his backpack and come tell his daddy goodbye, I love you, its ok to go. They each got that opportunity and for that Im grateful. I dont think it means much to them right now but it will when they are older, I know it.

At around 615p(ish) I checked on Dan and he was gurgling in his throat. As he'd thrown up brownish crap a couple times before I called Shadd to see if I needed to turn his head or not. Shadd said this was normal and I could turn his head if I was wanting to but it wasnt necessary.

Then about 15 mins later I went to check on him again and he wasnt breathing. My husband, my Love, my "crazy chicken" was gone. I called Shadd and as I talked to him Dan made one last gasp and it freaked me the hell out! Apparently, Shadd heard it too and said it was the final air leaving his body and totally normal. Might even happen a couple more times(if it did I never heard them). He was home but was turning around to come and would be here in an hour.

I called my mom and my friend Stacey. She came and got the boys so they wouldnt see the mortuary take their daddy away. They hadnt been told anything at that point either, I wanted everything tended to first plus I couldnt make the official call that he was passed so I decided to wait til Shadd did.

My neighbor, Robert, came to be with me. He is the husband of my best bud Lynne. She was out of town so he was her proxy LOL. He stayed til Shadd came and did his thing, stayed til the meds were counted and taken out by Shadd and stayed by my side til the mortuary took Dan away. I appreciated that very much. I appreciated that Shadd stayed by my side too and didnt just leave once the mortuary showed up.

My Love was dead at age 50. Leaving behind a wife who adored him and 3 little boys who thought he was the coolest thing ever!

I woke up a married woman and went to bed a widow at age 40. But the next day I woke up and that was where the next adventure was gonna start.