Tuesday, December 31, 2013

BuBye 2013. Howdy 2014.

Ok, so 2013 is just about out of here. It's been a year of hell.

Started out normal enough, then Dan altered his final week of life. So our last week together was robbed from us. Then, he died. I realize he's at peace and his pain is gone but ours remains. The morning after he died the theme from Mary Tyler Moore kept playing in my head, especially the lines "love is all around, no need to waste it. You're gonna make it after all." I know that was from Dan and the proof of that love is in the faces I see daily, it's in the love of friends from around the globe who showed their love and support as I made my way through. It's seen and felt in my family who support and listen to my woes over and over again without freaking out.

Then halfway through the year Connors anger/aggression went to an awful place that we haven't found our way out of yet. I still hold a slim hope that things will calm and he can be the boy he used to be, without violence and pain. We have a diagnosis but still haven't found the key and it seems the hole gets bigger that we're in. Some day....
In conclusion, and ya this will be a blog entry too, it's been a crap year, but we've survived and will continue to do so because we are strong and because we are blessed with the love of many, many people. So thank you, for your love, kindness, and friendship and here's to a better 2014!

Friday, December 27, 2013

Christmas 2013

Holiday has come and gone...we survived it.
I'm not worried about New Years because we never did anything for it...I'll just be glad when the year is done.

As for Christmas, it was nice. We started three new traditions. Two for the Yule time period(20-22nd) and one for Christmas eve.

1-A tradition to honor the Celtic heritage of Dan and the boys. It honors the relighting of hope for the world and year to come as night becomes lighter, etc. It usually is a red candle with holly sprigs but I used orange oil on the candle which I read was good too. You can also place it in the window as a welcome to weary travelers but I don't dare lol.
But, I'm going to light the red candle for 12 days starting on Yule but this year my candle was small and burned quick. Next year I'll get a tall one so it can last the 12 days.

2-We are honoring my Danish heritage. They used to leave cookies and drink out for the house elves. I can't remember the Danish name for it but the boys wanted to do that so we are. We do it on the 21st during Yule.

3-On Christmas eve we have decided to keep including Dan in our doings so we will watch his memorial DVD then I bring out the boys' memory boxes and we look through them and feel Dan's love and presence. Boys loved it.

So, this we started this year. It was nice even though not perfectly executed.
Usually I read Twas the Night Before Christmas and Gift of the Magi. However, I don't have them in written form so I was just going to read them from online.
Unfortunately, that was the Night the internet went screwy and I couldn't get online lol. Figured...
So I told them in my own words and went from there.

Boys got lots of goodies from friends, family, me, and Santa.
I got some money and a gift card...to be used on myself lol. I also had awesome friends who sent me beautiful angel gifts.

Connor got a tablet, a mini robot, a set of etch a sketches, a rubber dart blaster, some build it yourself cars, and a new electric toothbrush.

Avery got a tablet, a new electric toothbrush, a dart blaster, some build it yourself cars, a book on birds, two art sets(one he let Connor have), and a pillow pet.

Devinn got a tablet, an electric toothbrush, build it yourself cars, a Spiderman and Hulk action figures, a dart blaster, and a Mr potato head.

So a good haul which is good cuz they were literally out of toys.

I've been extra blue for a month now and it's not lightened up much but it's ok. I can't force it away but it's not taking over either. I'm living and pushing through it....as I should.

Now if we can get this CPS/Family Preservation thing finished and out of our lives...that would be a nice weight off me.

Go away 2013...Come On In 2014!
Blessings to all.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Stuck in my Throat...

I've had this sentence stuck in my throat since yesterday.....HE SHOULDN'T BE DEAD!!!!!
There, I've said it. Feel a bit better even though I've not screamed it at the top of my lungs like I want.
Sure my feelings are valid and many get it but what good does it do?
Is shouting that truthfully painful sentence gonna change one damn thing?? NOPE

No, he shouldn't be dead. No, my son shouldn't have anger/aggression issues that throw our home into complete turmoil. BUT...He is and he has so now what?

Im being asked to endure two trials at once. Neither is giving me anything to look forward to. Neither has any joyful outcomes.
But somehow I'm supposed to learn and grow from them both all while raising my boys, not killing myself(or at least going bald), and raising myself spiritually.

Too much...it really is yet I can't complain or I seem awful in one way or another. Can't tell people to stick it cuz that's rude. Can't beat up anything cuz I'd be hurt and no better off.
The anger is welling again so here I am ranting....for no reason, that'll get me nowhere.


I am blessed and am grateful but there are days, like today, that I could really care less. I don't wanna hear that it'll get better(know it) or that the universe/Divine knows and is with me(know it), or that I'm special and strong(don't care) or that I must look to the positive and be grateful and meditate, etc(know it, just don't wanna hear it cuz this mood makes me wanna barf when I hear it).

I don't feel Dan with me. I feel alone, flapping in the breeze like a flag.

I know many things...Im loved, I'm doing my best, I'm strong, I'll be good, I miss that companionship, kisses and hugs in strong arms, I have awesome family and friends, etc.

But right now....*shrugs*