Friday, May 4, 2018

Well Hello...Long Time, No Write

Hello world,
You probably aren't there anymore, especially as I wasn't big to begin with LOL. It just feels good to get stuff written down sometimes.
It's been a few years but I felt like writing so I'm going to even if no one else reads this.

It is now May 4th, 2018, which is a Friday. It's 4:51pm and my boys are returning from their in-home therapy "outing". Which means they either went to a park or their "mothership" as I like to call it, Home Depot.
The end of May, 2014 we moved to St. George which is in southern Utah. My mom lives here and we voted and decided to come here to be closer to her. Everything worked out like a dream...got a decent home to rent, the school district (at least the elementary school) is absolutely the best I've been around, and they had just opened up a behavioral therapy business in this area (it had only been in the Salt Lake area previously). I've mentioned Connors issues and his Autism and ADHD. Turns out he also has Bipolar and my younger two are on the Spectrum as well just not as severe. His volatile outbursts hit head after head after head and we suffered for it. Bruises, fear, living on the edge of our seats, hiding in our rooms, calling the police to have him removed when it was too much. Having to sign up for the county's Mobile Crisis Outreach Team for when he got so bad and having a safety plan with them and the police. Totally and completely sucked. I cannot even begin to explain how it makes you feel as a mom knowing you are doing all you can and failing time after time. And not just failing one child but all of them because if you aren't trying to reach your attacking child and keep him from harming himself or others than you are trying to protect your others and, in doing so, locking them into their rooms and blowing them off. 

My heart hurts all the time. My anxiety is through the roof cuz there are moments it was so bad I was EXTREMELY close to sending him away to a group home up north and relinquishing my rights to do so (although I could have gotten them back). I know many moms would do that pretty quick on but until you walk in these shoes you can't predict how you would TRULY react in those moments. Do you know how awful and mortifying (in some ways) it is to sit in front of a judge because of your 11 year old having been sent to a juvenile facility aka kids jail?? So not how it should EVER be where our kids are concerned.
I have so much floating in my head right now. I'm gonna leave this as a "to be continued" post....