Thursday, June 20, 2013

Oddball Widow

Its been a bit over two months since Dan died. I miss him, I really do. I miss his smile and rubbing his arms and tracing his tattoos and I miss brushing his cheekbone/temple area. I miss his strong hugs.

I even miss his annoying habits like always being right. Although not as much as the other stuff LOL.

The first 3 weeks I was in a shock funk. I felt like my eyes were planted open as wide as possible at all times and just foggy head going on. I cried at times but not as often as you might think. Definately not as much as other widows Ive chatted with seem to.
In the first month I sold most of his music equipment(except the childs guitar in case one of the boys ever wants to learn how), I pawned tools and other stuff just lying around never to be used again. I was so freaked over what would happen with our finances I couldnt just wait around, I had to make sure we had enough to at least pay rent and car until I knew otherwise. And with the help of my good friend Teresita I was able to get around and do what was needed with support and got the money I needed to do what I felt was the least needed.

I donated a buttload of stuff and I sold his car. Now I admit I dont miss it and wasnt too sad to see it go, in fact I couldnt wait to be able to sell it but the day it left I was waiting for Dans spirit to thump me on the head LOL. Like I said though, I needed to make sure I had money in case we didnt get things straightened out quickly with social security.

In the remaining time of the two months Ive hung out with good friends and the boys(well Connor and Avery) finished school for the year and I registered Devinn for his Kindergarten in the fall. I cant believe all of them will be school boys come August. Time has sure flown. But I think all parents can say that.
I do have issues with sleeping. I cant go to bed til my eyes are burning cuz I just cannot sleep so thats an issue I have that I need to deal with cuz it doesnt do me any good to be living on little and troubled sleep.

I also found a couple of widow groups to join. One I already gave up on, all they did was bitch and moan and had pity parties. I didnt fit in, I wasnt a widow that kept his things as is for several months or years after he passed. I didnt still wear my ring cuz it didnt seem right to wear it without its partner wearing his. I got angry at all the pity being passed around. Yes, we all lost a love and have a new normal to get used to but we arent the only ones and our loved ones wouldnt want to see us acting that way. We are here to be strong for ourselves and any children we may have. We are still on this journey whether we like it or not. Their lessons were learned and they passed to a better state of being, a stronger one than they may have had being human.
My journey continues and as much as it hurts and takes time and as much as I have my moments of feeling sorry for myself I dont want pity. I dont want everyone feeling sorry for me and boohooing for me and my boys' loss.
We are strong, we are ok, Dan was part of what made us that way and he is still running through the veins of my boys. We are and will be ok. Not saying its easy or we wont have those moments but, in the end, we will be ok.

Hence why I call myself an oddball widow. In the 3 groups Ive been a part of Ive only seen like 3 others who seem to feel similar to me and they've been widowed longer than myself.

The love of friends and family and their support over the 3 years Dan was sick and when he died...they've strengthened us and Im forever grateful for that and hope to pay that forward and teach the boys to as well.

Love is strength, joy is strength, even sadness is strength.

I can admit to depression. Ive got some hence why I could care less about the house or its state(it gets its basics tended to), why I tossed out several pots/pans and all my glasses, dishes, and bowls, most of the silverware too and opted for paper. I dont wanna do dishes, I cant be bothered with cooking or dishes right now. Its too much for me to care about.
My strength is put towards keeping the boys good and myself good. In doing something for ourselves that is fun and uplifting and together. Putting my family back into a place of unity. Getting us out and about because for 3 years we were basically housebound.

Earlier this week I got memory boxes done for the boys. They picked a box from Michaels and I painted and decorated them.
Each of them has a picture of Dan, a ring of either mine or Dans(or both in Devinns case), a tie of Dans, a beeny baby from his collection(that seems to have shrunk since having kids cuz I couldnt find most of them LOL), and a memorial DVD that the mortuary did with pictures of Dan set to songs he loved.
Then I did individual items....

Connor~Dans pocketwatch from the boys(Fathers Day last year), my wedding band(my first one). He also got the only plane model Dan finished(mostly, main paint and stickers missing), as well as another beeny baby.

Avery~the rose from the night Dan died that the mortuary left in his place on my bed, Dans Handfasting band with "hearts as one" inscribed on the inside(where my matching one is I dont know), and a Blue Oyster Cult Greatest Hits CD because he and Dan loved their music.

Devinn~Handfasting cord, the first one I made. He also got our last set of wedding bands(the one we wore for the last couple years). I wanted him to have those because his memories of Dan will be small and I wanted him to have items to remember the love and bond his daddy and I shared. Plus he keeps telling everyone Dan died "10 weeks ago and he and mommy got married too" LOL.

OH and I added a stone into each of their boxes from my collection. I believe one got a blue agate and the other two got sunstones(yes I suck at remembering what they are).

Those boxes will serve them in times they are missing their daddy and just want to feel a piece of him. Add to that the stuffed animals they got from Build a Bear that I put some of Dans ashes into and the blankets from his clothes Im gonna have done shortly...they are set with tangible reminders of their daddy.

Now I think I got you all caught up, although Ill save the story of Connors behavior and Dev's arm for another day. :)

To conclude this blog is a picture of the boys with their memorial stuffed animals.