So, it didn't quite go as I wanted but what does.
I lit a candle, opened a circle and did it my way. LOL
I said a blessing that I found online, it was lovely.
I thanked my ancestors and especially my great aunt whom I was close to and my grandpa.
Mostly talked to Dan and cried.
Made some "New year plans" but kept them general. Like letting fear out, bringing peace in. Letting doubt go, letting confidence in. That kind of thing.
But as I said...most of my half hour was spent talking to Dan. Asked him to hang around and to keep an eye on me but especially the boys....That's when the candle flame went into a brilliant white light that was twice as bright. So, I knew he was around.
I even told him that if I was meant to love again that he help us connect. That he pick him out(so to speak). Someone that would be good for me at this point in life and who would help me raise the boys to be men HE would be proud of.
Told him it was ok if it never happened too cuz I was back to wanting companionship, not needing it.
That I was doing alright so far. Talked about human imperfections, specifically those of parents but that the best trait of a good parent was not giving up despite our messing up.
Said I knew he was helping me raise them still and that perhaps this was how he could do that better. Odd thought I know.
Felt I was being watched, kept looking to the side...at the door.
I might add, and I said this aloud, the candle flame resembled a candy corn.
I cried pretty much the whole conversation but it felt peaceful, good to have that talk.
The missing my crazy chicken part and the moving on part. All of it.
I know Dan was here because after the kids and I finished trick or treating(slightly rough event cuz of Connor and Dan was on my mind), I got us in the car and started the engine.
As soon as I pulled away from the curb the song "Lady" by Styx came on. Dan kinda felt that song fit his feelings about me. I needed to hear that just then.
Music seems to be our thing cuz it's always a song we loved coming on the radio at just the right time LOL.
Any who, now I'm soaking in the peaceful feelings while typing this and watching Golden Girls.
Be blessed on this Samhain night.