Samhain 2013

So, it didn't quite go as I wanted but what does.
I lit a candle, opened a circle and did it my way. LOL

I said a blessing that I found online, it was lovely.
I thanked my ancestors and especially my great aunt whom I was close to and my grandpa.
Mostly talked to Dan and cried.

Made some "New year plans" but kept them general. Like letting fear out, bringing peace in. Letting doubt go, letting confidence in. That kind of thing.

But as I said...most of my half hour was spent talking to Dan. Asked him to hang around and to keep an eye on me but especially the boys....That's when the candle flame went into a brilliant white light that was twice as bright. So, I knew he was around.
I even told him that if I was meant to love again that he help us connect. That he pick him out(so to speak). Someone that would be good for me at this point in life and who would help me raise the boys to be men HE would be proud of.
Told him it was ok if it never happened too cuz I was back to wanting companionship, not needing it.
That I was doing alright so far. Talked about human imperfections, specifically those of parents but that the best trait of a good parent was not giving up despite our messing up.
Said I knew he was helping me raise them still and that perhaps this was how he could do that better. Odd thought I know.
Felt I was being watched, kept looking to the side...at the door.

I might add, and I said this aloud, the candle flame resembled a candy corn.

I cried pretty much the whole conversation but it felt peaceful, good to have that talk.
The missing my crazy chicken part and the moving on part. All of it.

I know Dan was here because after the kids and I finished trick or treating(slightly rough event cuz of Connor and Dan was on my mind), I got us in the car and started the engine.
As soon as I pulled away from the curb the song "Lady" by Styx came on. Dan kinda felt that song fit his feelings about me. I needed to hear that just then.

Music seems to be our thing cuz it's always a song we loved coming on the radio at just the right time LOL.

Any who, now I'm soaking in the peaceful feelings while typing this and watching Golden Girls.

Be blessed on this Samhain night.

Another Week...

October is almost over. I can't believe this year is almost in the record books.
My mom told me after high school time flies by and she was sooooo right.

Connors school finally set up an appointment with me to go over his "data". That will be on Halloween.
The day before I get to have the intake meeting with the new counselors. Hopefully I can get Connor in shortly after that.

Next week is also Samhain which I'm totally excited to celebrate. It'll mostly be about honoring Dan this year but I'll be adding a blessing and thanks to all my ancestors too. They won't be left out.

I think that covers main events through today.

Six Months...

Tomorrow marks 6 months since you left us.
In some ways it seems only yesterday I told you to go, told you we'd be ok, told you I loved you always my crazy chicken.
In other ways it seems like it's been forever.

The ache remains. I don't ever stop thinking of you but it doesn't paralyze me either. Life goes on, the bills get paid and groceries gotten but it doesn't mean you aren't here with me.

Sometimes it's dream-like, this thought of you. Like, did you really exist? Did this all happen? Did I ever know someone named Dan(although that's technically not your given name now is it lol).

Connor is so your mini-me. Even his smile is like yours after chemo took your teeth that is.

We ARE ok Dan. We miss you, we love you always but onward we go. A piece of you goes on our adventures with us....enjoy! :)

To the moon and back my Crazy Chicken....
Love your Goosey.