Stuck in my Throat...

I've had this sentence stuck in my throat since yesterday.....HE SHOULDN'T BE DEAD!!!!!
There, I've said it. Feel a bit better even though I've not screamed it at the top of my lungs like I want.
Sure my feelings are valid and many get it but what good does it do?
Is shouting that truthfully painful sentence gonna change one damn thing?? NOPE

No, he shouldn't be dead. No, my son shouldn't have anger/aggression issues that throw our home into complete turmoil. BUT...He is and he has so now what?

Im being asked to endure two trials at once. Neither is giving me anything to look forward to. Neither has any joyful outcomes.
But somehow I'm supposed to learn and grow from them both all while raising my boys, not killing myself(or at least going bald), and raising myself spiritually.

Too much...it really is yet I can't complain or I seem awful in one way or another. Can't tell people to stick it cuz that's rude. Can't beat up anything cuz I'd be hurt and no better off.
The anger is welling again so here I am ranting....for no reason, that'll get me nowhere.

Brilliant!

I am blessed and am grateful but there are days, like today, that I could really care less. I don't wanna hear that it'll get better(know it) or that the universe/Divine knows and is with me(know it), or that I'm special and strong(don't care) or that I must look to the positive and be grateful and meditate, etc(know it, just don't wanna hear it cuz this mood makes me wanna barf when I hear it).

I don't feel Dan with me. I feel alone, flapping in the breeze like a flag.

I know many things...Im loved, I'm doing my best, I'm strong, I'll be good, I miss that companionship, kisses and hugs in strong arms, I have awesome family and friends, etc.

But right now....*shrugs*