Tugs

I need it known that I'm ok. Overall, I'm ok with stuff.
However, I have tugs and I need people to understand that and accept it. Im not gonna hit a magic month and suddenly be fine.
Im not going to stop talking about Dan just cuz he's gone. He's still someone who lived and loved and experienced life. His stories and such can be relatable and they will be shared.
I am ok, will be ok, so will the boys but we'll always mourn a bit but don't worry it's not an overwhelming feeling because I know we'll meet again and I know he's at peace.

But, I have these pesky tugs that I'll talk about sometimes.
Like I have tugs of sadness...So I may cry for a moment.
I have tugs of talking about my feelings because it helps and you never know who might hear something and know they aren't alone out there.
I have tugs of anger that he left. Even though I realize it wasn't his preference to go.
I have tugs of laughter at memories.

Mostly though I have smiles when I remember/think of him because he was my Love and we created an awesome albeit imperfect world.

My Boogaloo

That would be Connor. His nickname has been Boogaloo since he was moving in my belly.
Where the name came from I don't know, just popped outta my mouth one day.

He was such an easy going baby. Hardly fussed, sweet disposition but did seem to have a knack for throwing his head back and cracking me in the cheek bone, sending sheering pain through my face.

He loved fans from the time he was 5/6 months old, stare at them for hours if left to do so. It's one of those things you find different but tuck away in the back of your head cuz you aren't sure it's just new mommy nerves.

When he was about 17/18 months he started biting me. He wouldn't stop it was an obsession for him. He'd literally shake and chomp his teeth til he got me....if he couldn't he'd bite through blinds. Redirection didn't work, pop on mouth didn't work, time out didn't work, nothing stopped his need. He started tricking me....he'd put his arms out for a hug/love and when I picked him up, he'd bite me and jump down and go play.
He did this til he was just about 3 years old. I, unconsciously, built a wall against taking "loves" from him cuz it always brought pain and bruises with it.

Things progressed and by that point I'd been looking up answers to his odd behavior. Autism, ADHD, ODD were all on my list.
When he was about 5 I wanted him tested, dr gave me the referral. Then job changes, a move, and no insurance led to it not happening.

So, life went on but testing was impossible cuz of no insurance but I did what I could and then Dan got sick and all other things went to the backburner.

Connors got serious anger issues that have been there but got worse after Dan's death. He's been in counseling since March 2012, and meds. Nothings helped so far.

But after a week stay in the pediatric psych clinic we got the testing I'd desperately wanted for so long. And of course, he's as funny with his diagnosis as my family seems to go in cases like that....never a straight answer lol.

Officially he is PDD-NOS, Mood Disorder NOS, and Learning Disorder NOS. School is pussyfooting around getting him the recommended help. We were going to start a new therapy but I got a letter saying insurance is screwed and the kids are done at months end. However, there is a chance they'll get on Medicaid come October but until I have the cards...I hold my breathe.

I still have the emotional wall up and I want it gone but I can't do it without help.
My relationship with Connor is hard...always yelling, him threatening death or pain. No sleeping well. Add in our pain of losing Dan and we are a mess.
I love that fella a ton, he's my firstborn. I don't wanna give up on him but if we can't get help...I don't know what's gonna happen. Im tired of fights over EVERYTHING! I'm tired of yelling and him hurting us all physically. Just tired....gad I hope this works out soon.

So that's some of the Connor story.