Stuck in my Throat...

I've had this sentence stuck in my throat since yesterday.....HE SHOULDN'T BE DEAD!!!!!
There, I've said it. Feel a bit better even though I've not screamed it at the top of my lungs like I want.
Sure my feelings are valid and many get it but what good does it do?
Is shouting that truthfully painful sentence gonna change one damn thing?? NOPE

No, he shouldn't be dead. No, my son shouldn't have anger/aggression issues that throw our home into complete turmoil. BUT...He is and he has so now what?

Im being asked to endure two trials at once. Neither is giving me anything to look forward to. Neither has any joyful outcomes.
But somehow I'm supposed to learn and grow from them both all while raising my boys, not killing myself(or at least going bald), and raising myself spiritually.

Too much...it really is yet I can't complain or I seem awful in one way or another. Can't tell people to stick it cuz that's rude. Can't beat up anything cuz I'd be hurt and no better off.
The anger is welling again so here I am ranting....for no reason, that'll get me nowhere.

Brilliant!

I am blessed and am grateful but there are days, like today, that I could really care less. I don't wanna hear that it'll get better(know it) or that the universe/Divine knows and is with me(know it), or that I'm special and strong(don't care) or that I must look to the positive and be grateful and meditate, etc(know it, just don't wanna hear it cuz this mood makes me wanna barf when I hear it).

I don't feel Dan with me. I feel alone, flapping in the breeze like a flag.

I know many things...Im loved, I'm doing my best, I'm strong, I'll be good, I miss that companionship, kisses and hugs in strong arms, I have awesome family and friends, etc.

But right now....*shrugs*

Thanksgiving 2013

Blessed be y'all. Hope your turkey day was lovely.

We were going to just eat out because I just couldn't bring myself to cook and I wanted to have a nice week because last year was awful.

However, on Tuesday my good friend Stacey invited us to her home. It was a lovely meal. She's an awesome cook.
It was nice to be focused on visiting with others and enjoying their company versus letting my emotions overrun me. I feel kinda numb but it's because I block the thoughts of Dan not being here out. I know he's not but I don't think further than that.

Im feeling this way when I think of Christmas too.

So this week has, again, tested me. At Connors counseling appointment he said I choked him so I was told CPS had to be told so now I fret over that. Connor accidentally burned up the microwave plus his usual antics. So getting away from last year's rotten week didn't happen but today was nice.

I would like to say to the Universe that I've been tested a lot this year and I'd appreciate a break. Or at least find a way to ease your way into Connor and help him cease his anger and aggression towards his brothers and myself. Either one would be great, thanks. I want help for him, I want a way to ease our troubles and soothe his savage beast. My family has been through enough right now, please whisper a way, send softness to his mind, give his counselor the ability to get an answer that will work. SOMETHING....PLEASE!!!! I can't continue with this weight on me that CPS could be called for another lie. The thought of losing my boys over his anger induced lies terrifies me.

It would be foolish not to end this without gratitude since it is Thanksgiving. So here is my list.
I am grateful for....

*My son's. They challenge me, they make me laugh, they show me wonder through their eyes.
*A roof over our heads.
*My family. Your love and listening ears have seen me through this horrid year. Your teachings of family unity helped give the strength to carry on. Love you much!
*Dr Pepper, it keeps me sane some days.
*My friends both near and far. You have shown me love, tenderness, and and happiness. Your kindness has been inspirational and healing in more ways than I can count.
*The Divine. You test me, you give me strength and endurance, and you help me learn and grow.
*Ups and downs. Im grateful for both. I learn and grow and gain strength from it all. I know without one I cannot have the other so, for both, I'm grateful.
*Slippers. They keep my feet warm....the end.
AND FINALLY...
*Dan. Without you I'd have never known love, commitment, and joy in the way companions know it. It had passion but little romance lol.
If it weren't for you seeing me and loving me I'd have never known motherhood. Thank you for the boys. For those gems that are a mix of you and me. Thank you for believing in me and appreciating my commitment to you. Always my Love.....

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Samhain 2013

So, it didn't quite go as I wanted but what does.
I lit a candle, opened a circle and did it my way. LOL

I said a blessing that I found online, it was lovely.
I thanked my ancestors and especially my great aunt whom I was close to and my grandpa.
Mostly talked to Dan and cried.

Made some "New year plans" but kept them general. Like letting fear out, bringing peace in. Letting doubt go, letting confidence in. That kind of thing.

But as I said...most of my half hour was spent talking to Dan. Asked him to hang around and to keep an eye on me but especially the boys....That's when the candle flame went into a brilliant white light that was twice as bright. So, I knew he was around.
I even told him that if I was meant to love again that he help us connect. That he pick him out(so to speak). Someone that would be good for me at this point in life and who would help me raise the boys to be men HE would be proud of.
Told him it was ok if it never happened too cuz I was back to wanting companionship, not needing it.
That I was doing alright so far. Talked about human imperfections, specifically those of parents but that the best trait of a good parent was not giving up despite our messing up.
Said I knew he was helping me raise them still and that perhaps this was how he could do that better. Odd thought I know.
Felt I was being watched, kept looking to the side...at the door.

I might add, and I said this aloud, the candle flame resembled a candy corn.

I cried pretty much the whole conversation but it felt peaceful, good to have that talk.
The missing my crazy chicken part and the moving on part. All of it.

I know Dan was here because after the kids and I finished trick or treating(slightly rough event cuz of Connor and Dan was on my mind), I got us in the car and started the engine.
As soon as I pulled away from the curb the song "Lady" by Styx came on. Dan kinda felt that song fit his feelings about me. I needed to hear that just then.

Music seems to be our thing cuz it's always a song we loved coming on the radio at just the right time LOL.

Any who, now I'm soaking in the peaceful feelings while typing this and watching Golden Girls.

Be blessed on this Samhain night.

Another Week...

October is almost over. I can't believe this year is almost in the record books.
My mom told me after high school time flies by and she was sooooo right.

Connors school finally set up an appointment with me to go over his "data". That will be on Halloween.
The day before I get to have the intake meeting with the new counselors. Hopefully I can get Connor in shortly after that.

Next week is also Samhain which I'm totally excited to celebrate. It'll mostly be about honoring Dan this year but I'll be adding a blessing and thanks to all my ancestors too. They won't be left out.

I think that covers main events through today.

Six Months...

Tomorrow marks 6 months since you left us.
In some ways it seems only yesterday I told you to go, told you we'd be ok, told you I loved you always my crazy chicken.
In other ways it seems like it's been forever.

The ache remains. I don't ever stop thinking of you but it doesn't paralyze me either. Life goes on, the bills get paid and groceries gotten but it doesn't mean you aren't here with me.

Sometimes it's dream-like, this thought of you. Like, did you really exist? Did this all happen? Did I ever know someone named Dan(although that's technically not your given name now is it lol).

Connor is so your mini-me. Even his smile is like yours after chemo took your teeth that is.

We ARE ok Dan. We miss you, we love you always but onward we go. A piece of you goes on our adventures with us....enjoy! :)

To the moon and back my Crazy Chicken....
Love your Goosey.

Tugs

I need it known that I'm ok. Overall, I'm ok with stuff.
However, I have tugs and I need people to understand that and accept it. Im not gonna hit a magic month and suddenly be fine.
Im not going to stop talking about Dan just cuz he's gone. He's still someone who lived and loved and experienced life. His stories and such can be relatable and they will be shared.
I am ok, will be ok, so will the boys but we'll always mourn a bit but don't worry it's not an overwhelming feeling because I know we'll meet again and I know he's at peace.

But, I have these pesky tugs that I'll talk about sometimes.
Like I have tugs of sadness...So I may cry for a moment.
I have tugs of talking about my feelings because it helps and you never know who might hear something and know they aren't alone out there.
I have tugs of anger that he left. Even though I realize it wasn't his preference to go.
I have tugs of laughter at memories.

Mostly though I have smiles when I remember/think of him because he was my Love and we created an awesome albeit imperfect world.

My Boogaloo

That would be Connor. His nickname has been Boogaloo since he was moving in my belly.
Where the name came from I don't know, just popped outta my mouth one day.

He was such an easy going baby. Hardly fussed, sweet disposition but did seem to have a knack for throwing his head back and cracking me in the cheek bone, sending sheering pain through my face.

He loved fans from the time he was 5/6 months old, stare at them for hours if left to do so. It's one of those things you find different but tuck away in the back of your head cuz you aren't sure it's just new mommy nerves.

When he was about 17/18 months he started biting me. He wouldn't stop it was an obsession for him. He'd literally shake and chomp his teeth til he got me....if he couldn't he'd bite through blinds. Redirection didn't work, pop on mouth didn't work, time out didn't work, nothing stopped his need. He started tricking me....he'd put his arms out for a hug/love and when I picked him up, he'd bite me and jump down and go play.
He did this til he was just about 3 years old. I, unconsciously, built a wall against taking "loves" from him cuz it always brought pain and bruises with it.

Things progressed and by that point I'd been looking up answers to his odd behavior. Autism, ADHD, ODD were all on my list.
When he was about 5 I wanted him tested, dr gave me the referral. Then job changes, a move, and no insurance led to it not happening.

So, life went on but testing was impossible cuz of no insurance but I did what I could and then Dan got sick and all other things went to the backburner.

Connors got serious anger issues that have been there but got worse after Dan's death. He's been in counseling since March 2012, and meds. Nothings helped so far.

But after a week stay in the pediatric psych clinic we got the testing I'd desperately wanted for so long. And of course, he's as funny with his diagnosis as my family seems to go in cases like that....never a straight answer lol.

Officially he is PDD-NOS, Mood Disorder NOS, and Learning Disorder NOS. School is pussyfooting around getting him the recommended help. We were going to start a new therapy but I got a letter saying insurance is screwed and the kids are done at months end. However, there is a chance they'll get on Medicaid come October but until I have the cards...I hold my breathe.

I still have the emotional wall up and I want it gone but I can't do it without help.
My relationship with Connor is hard...always yelling, him threatening death or pain. No sleeping well. Add in our pain of losing Dan and we are a mess.
I love that fella a ton, he's my firstborn. I don't wanna give up on him but if we can't get help...I don't know what's gonna happen. Im tired of fights over EVERYTHING! I'm tired of yelling and him hurting us all physically. Just tired....gad I hope this works out soon.

So that's some of the Connor story.