Well Hello...Long Time, No Write

Hello world,
You probably aren't there anymore, especially as I wasn't big to begin with LOL. It just feels good to get stuff written down sometimes.
It's been a few years but I felt like writing so I'm going to even if no one else reads this.

It is now May 4th, 2018, which is a Friday. It's 4:51pm and my boys are returning from their in-home therapy "outing". Which means they either went to a park or their "mothership" as I like to call it, Home Depot.
The end of May, 2014 we moved to St. George which is in southern Utah. My mom lives here and we voted and decided to come here to be closer to her. Everything worked out like a dream...got a decent home to rent, the school district (at least the elementary school) is absolutely the best I've been around, and they had just opened up a behavioral therapy business in this area (it had only been in the Salt Lake area previously). I've mentioned Connors issues and his Autism and ADHD. Turns out he also has Bipolar and my younger two are on the Spectrum as well just not as severe. His volatile outbursts hit head after head after head and we suffered for it. Bruises, fear, living on the edge of our seats, hiding in our rooms, calling the police to have him removed when it was too much. Having to sign up for the county's Mobile Crisis Outreach Team for when he got so bad and having a safety plan with them and the police. Totally and completely sucked. I cannot even begin to explain how it makes you feel as a mom knowing you are doing all you can and failing time after time. And not just failing one child but all of them because if you aren't trying to reach your attacking child and keep him from harming himself or others than you are trying to protect your others and, in doing so, locking them into their rooms and blowing them off. 

My heart hurts all the time. My anxiety is through the roof cuz there are moments it was so bad I was EXTREMELY close to sending him away to a group home up north and relinquishing my rights to do so (although I could have gotten them back). I know many moms would do that pretty quick on but until you walk in these shoes you can't predict how you would TRULY react in those moments. Do you know how awful and mortifying (in some ways) it is to sit in front of a judge because of your 11 year old having been sent to a juvenile facility aka kids jail?? So not how it should EVER be where our kids are concerned.
I have so much floating in my head right now. I'm gonna leave this as a "to be continued" post....

Just a Rant

I'm just ranting off topic.

I'm so over parenting techniques and who says and does what. Who is cooler, who is wiser, who is right/wrong.

Guess what? We're all right and wrong. Parenting is an imperfect job, you'll never do it 100% correctly. And not every technique you study is perfect or the way others should be just cuz you are doing it.
Others have opinions on articles you may post on various sites. They have as much right to give their opinions on it whether they agree or not. You can't post an article and expect dissenters to pass it over and look the other way. Some may while others say their opinion....doesn't mean they are looking for drama or fights, just that it's a topic they feel equally strong about and needed to say what was on their minds. As a friend/buddy that shouldn't throw you into a tizzy, if it does then take them off your friends list cuz they obviously aren't a big deal to you. That's what I did tonight...defriended someone who couldn't handle a difference of opinion. Then her twit friend jumped the ass of those who simply stated they didn't agree...

So here is my parenting two cents for what it's not worth....

I think co-sleeping is stupid. Ya ya it used to be the big thing back in its day but it doesn't have to be anymore. I think homebirth are risky and foolish. I think slings and cloth diapers are cool but you don't need to overload the population with their glory. I think breast is best but sometimes it's not doable so hooray for formula! I also think you don't need to shove articles about its glory up people's butts...same with home/midwife birth vs hospital birth. Or drugged/no drugs or c/section vs vaginal birth.
NONE of it matters nor does any of it make one superior over another. Get over it already!!

Do what's best for YOUR family and leave the rest of us out of it.

BuBye 2013. Howdy 2014.

Ok, so 2013 is just about out of here. It's been a year of hell.

Started out normal enough, then Dan altered his final week of life. So our last week together was robbed from us. Then, he died. I realize he's at peace and his pain is gone but ours remains. The morning after he died the theme from Mary Tyler Moore kept playing in my head, especially the lines "love is all around, no need to waste it. You're gonna make it after all." I know that was from Dan and the proof of that love is in the faces I see daily, it's in the love of friends from around the globe who showed their love and support as I made my way through. It's seen and felt in my family who support and listen to my woes over and over again without freaking out.

Then halfway through the year Connors anger/aggression went to an awful place that we haven't found our way out of yet. I still hold a slim hope that things will calm and he can be the boy he used to be, without violence and pain. We have a diagnosis but still haven't found the key and it seems the hole gets bigger that we're in. Some day....
In conclusion, and ya this will be a blog entry too, it's been a crap year, but we've survived and will continue to do so because we are strong and because we are blessed with the love of many, many people. So thank you, for your love, kindness, and friendship and here's to a better 2014!

Christmas 2013

Holiday has come and gone...we survived it.
I'm not worried about New Years because we never did anything for it...I'll just be glad when the year is done.

As for Christmas, it was nice. We started three new traditions. Two for the Yule time period(20-22nd) and one for Christmas eve.

1-A tradition to honor the Celtic heritage of Dan and the boys. It honors the relighting of hope for the world and year to come as night becomes lighter, etc. It usually is a red candle with holly sprigs but I used orange oil on the candle which I read was good too. You can also place it in the window as a welcome to weary travelers but I don't dare lol.
But, I'm going to light the red candle for 12 days starting on Yule but this year my candle was small and burned quick. Next year I'll get a tall one so it can last the 12 days.

2-We are honoring my Danish heritage. They used to leave cookies and drink out for the house elves. I can't remember the Danish name for it but the boys wanted to do that so we are. We do it on the 21st during Yule.

3-On Christmas eve we have decided to keep including Dan in our doings so we will watch his memorial DVD then I bring out the boys' memory boxes and we look through them and feel Dan's love and presence. Boys loved it.

So, this we started this year. It was nice even though not perfectly executed.
Usually I read Twas the Night Before Christmas and Gift of the Magi. However, I don't have them in written form so I was just going to read them from online.
Unfortunately, that was the Night the internet went screwy and I couldn't get online lol. Figured...
So I told them in my own words and went from there.

Boys got lots of goodies from friends, family, me, and Santa.
I got some money and a gift card...to be used on myself lol. I also had awesome friends who sent me beautiful angel gifts.

Connor got a tablet, a mini robot, a set of etch a sketches, a rubber dart blaster, some build it yourself cars, and a new electric toothbrush.

Avery got a tablet, a new electric toothbrush, a dart blaster, some build it yourself cars, a book on birds, two art sets(one he let Connor have), and a pillow pet.

Devinn got a tablet, an electric toothbrush, build it yourself cars, a Spiderman and Hulk action figures, a dart blaster, and a Mr potato head.

So a good haul which is good cuz they were literally out of toys.

I've been extra blue for a month now and it's not lightened up much but it's ok. I can't force it away but it's not taking over either. I'm living and pushing through it....as I should.

Now if we can get this CPS/Family Preservation thing finished and out of our lives...that would be a nice weight off me.

Go away 2013...Come On In 2014!
Blessings to all.

Stuck in my Throat...

I've had this sentence stuck in my throat since yesterday.....HE SHOULDN'T BE DEAD!!!!!
There, I've said it. Feel a bit better even though I've not screamed it at the top of my lungs like I want.
Sure my feelings are valid and many get it but what good does it do?
Is shouting that truthfully painful sentence gonna change one damn thing?? NOPE

No, he shouldn't be dead. No, my son shouldn't have anger/aggression issues that throw our home into complete turmoil. BUT...He is and he has so now what?

Im being asked to endure two trials at once. Neither is giving me anything to look forward to. Neither has any joyful outcomes.
But somehow I'm supposed to learn and grow from them both all while raising my boys, not killing myself(or at least going bald), and raising myself spiritually.

Too much...it really is yet I can't complain or I seem awful in one way or another. Can't tell people to stick it cuz that's rude. Can't beat up anything cuz I'd be hurt and no better off.
The anger is welling again so here I am ranting....for no reason, that'll get me nowhere.

Brilliant!

I am blessed and am grateful but there are days, like today, that I could really care less. I don't wanna hear that it'll get better(know it) or that the universe/Divine knows and is with me(know it), or that I'm special and strong(don't care) or that I must look to the positive and be grateful and meditate, etc(know it, just don't wanna hear it cuz this mood makes me wanna barf when I hear it).

I don't feel Dan with me. I feel alone, flapping in the breeze like a flag.

I know many things...Im loved, I'm doing my best, I'm strong, I'll be good, I miss that companionship, kisses and hugs in strong arms, I have awesome family and friends, etc.

But right now....*shrugs*

Thanksgiving 2013

Blessed be y'all. Hope your turkey day was lovely.

We were going to just eat out because I just couldn't bring myself to cook and I wanted to have a nice week because last year was awful.

However, on Tuesday my good friend Stacey invited us to her home. It was a lovely meal. She's an awesome cook.
It was nice to be focused on visiting with others and enjoying their company versus letting my emotions overrun me. I feel kinda numb but it's because I block the thoughts of Dan not being here out. I know he's not but I don't think further than that.

Im feeling this way when I think of Christmas too.

So this week has, again, tested me. At Connors counseling appointment he said I choked him so I was told CPS had to be told so now I fret over that. Connor accidentally burned up the microwave plus his usual antics. So getting away from last year's rotten week didn't happen but today was nice.

I would like to say to the Universe that I've been tested a lot this year and I'd appreciate a break. Or at least find a way to ease your way into Connor and help him cease his anger and aggression towards his brothers and myself. Either one would be great, thanks. I want help for him, I want a way to ease our troubles and soothe his savage beast. My family has been through enough right now, please whisper a way, send softness to his mind, give his counselor the ability to get an answer that will work. SOMETHING....PLEASE!!!! I can't continue with this weight on me that CPS could be called for another lie. The thought of losing my boys over his anger induced lies terrifies me.

It would be foolish not to end this without gratitude since it is Thanksgiving. So here is my list.
I am grateful for....

*My son's. They challenge me, they make me laugh, they show me wonder through their eyes.
*A roof over our heads.
*My family. Your love and listening ears have seen me through this horrid year. Your teachings of family unity helped give the strength to carry on. Love you much!
*Dr Pepper, it keeps me sane some days.
*My friends both near and far. You have shown me love, tenderness, and and happiness. Your kindness has been inspirational and healing in more ways than I can count.
*The Divine. You test me, you give me strength and endurance, and you help me learn and grow.
*Ups and downs. Im grateful for both. I learn and grow and gain strength from it all. I know without one I cannot have the other so, for both, I'm grateful.
*Slippers. They keep my feet warm....the end.
AND FINALLY...
*Dan. Without you I'd have never known love, commitment, and joy in the way companions know it. It had passion but little romance lol.
If it weren't for you seeing me and loving me I'd have never known motherhood. Thank you for the boys. For those gems that are a mix of you and me. Thank you for believing in me and appreciating my commitment to you. Always my Love.....

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Samhain 2013

So, it didn't quite go as I wanted but what does.
I lit a candle, opened a circle and did it my way. LOL

I said a blessing that I found online, it was lovely.
I thanked my ancestors and especially my great aunt whom I was close to and my grandpa.
Mostly talked to Dan and cried.

Made some "New year plans" but kept them general. Like letting fear out, bringing peace in. Letting doubt go, letting confidence in. That kind of thing.

But as I said...most of my half hour was spent talking to Dan. Asked him to hang around and to keep an eye on me but especially the boys....That's when the candle flame went into a brilliant white light that was twice as bright. So, I knew he was around.
I even told him that if I was meant to love again that he help us connect. That he pick him out(so to speak). Someone that would be good for me at this point in life and who would help me raise the boys to be men HE would be proud of.
Told him it was ok if it never happened too cuz I was back to wanting companionship, not needing it.
That I was doing alright so far. Talked about human imperfections, specifically those of parents but that the best trait of a good parent was not giving up despite our messing up.
Said I knew he was helping me raise them still and that perhaps this was how he could do that better. Odd thought I know.
Felt I was being watched, kept looking to the side...at the door.

I might add, and I said this aloud, the candle flame resembled a candy corn.

I cried pretty much the whole conversation but it felt peaceful, good to have that talk.
The missing my crazy chicken part and the moving on part. All of it.

I know Dan was here because after the kids and I finished trick or treating(slightly rough event cuz of Connor and Dan was on my mind), I got us in the car and started the engine.
As soon as I pulled away from the curb the song "Lady" by Styx came on. Dan kinda felt that song fit his feelings about me. I needed to hear that just then.

Music seems to be our thing cuz it's always a song we loved coming on the radio at just the right time LOL.

Any who, now I'm soaking in the peaceful feelings while typing this and watching Golden Girls.

Be blessed on this Samhain night.